There are places inside of yourself you don’t want other people to see, the places where you hold your fears and insecurities, a place you hide the things that feel like they could break you. I have to face those places every day. It’s funny how they tell you the heart can only take so much. I wonder at what point mine will have reached its max. I’m tired. I am 24 years old and I am so tired I am starting to ache. My insides are finally oozing to my outsides and my exhaustion is taking over with pain and frailty. I hurt in the morning, physically hurt, and as I try to wade through my day the pain just turns into debilitating fatigue. I don’t know how to function anymore, I don’t know how to breath. I just want to sit and stare at the trees. I have to settle for trees because the ocean is too far away, and the muddy river is just a reminder of all the murk and sludge. The ocean is alive, it breathes, you feel it inhale and exhale with the waves, the moist breath wetting your face… it reminds me to breath. In and out with the waves… just breathe… one two one two… in out, in out… I can make it if I count the waves. But there are no waves, just trees, and a muddy murky river that always looks the same.
~Mimi writes at Down South~
Just said a prayer for you, Mimi. Hope you are finding it easier to breathe since you wrote this.
Ooh, you make me want to send help ASAP! Please tell me you wrote this a long time ago and you are more like 32 now and doing well. (please?) Beautifully written. It brings to mind a very tired time in my life, when I felt like I was slowly bleeding to death and there was nothing with which to staunch the flow and I knew if something didn’t change soon, I would just bleed out and it would all be over. Scary! Which is why I am concerned.
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Praying for you too. I have made friends with grief. Walking through the pain has served me well even though walking around it sounds so good.
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A personal tragedy. Like the others, I hope this was written in your darkest moment,and that you’ve been blessed with a lifting of your burdens.
I love the portrayal of the ocean as a live, breathing mass. It really is like that. Full of strength and vitality, enlivening and refreshing. I think it’s time to move to California.
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Wow I love this. Breathing helps so much during times of pain and grief. Keep breathin’, baby.
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This is so sad. I pray you are finding your way through.
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I liked the way you talked about the ocean breathing. It is so true. I miss living in a coastal state.
I hope you are feeling better.
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I am with everyone in hoping that you wrote this years ago and you came out fine and currently doing fine. As beautifully written as this piece is, it would be human tragedy if the condition you poetically described is your present. If it is I hope you find help.
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I’m feeling smothered, too. Hang in there. Take breaks wherever you can to do nothing but watch the trees and night sky. I love the ocean best since the expanse makes all my problems seem insignificant in comparison…
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I too love the ocean and feel renewed strength when I visit.
I also understand your feelings. Prayers for you in that if this wasn’t long past, it can be soon.
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That just ripped my heart out…but in that good way that hit home so hard and beautifully that there’s a heart in here, beating and caring about even the pain of a stranger. Beautifully written, Mimi.
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