When I was little I was one of those kids who needed a lot of love.
I know, I know, all kids need a lot of love, but I suppose what I mean is that I needed the cuddles and closeness and touch more than perhaps my siblings did.
Although I was in a loving family, we didn’t say “I love you” very often. It just wasn’t done, it wasn’t in our script, even though it was very much in our hearts.
The first time I said the words out loud was when I was 11 years old. My Gran was ill. She’d been ill for a little while, and something in me knew that it was serious. After a short visit in January 1987, a visit where my lovely, energetic, bubbly Gran sat tired and somehow smaller in her chair, as I went to kiss her goodbye the words somehow fell from my mouth, “Love you Gran.”
“I love you too sweetheart.” she whispered.
That was on the Friday, the last time I saw her. She died on the Monday.
Somehow, losing my Gran planted a seed in me that slowly grew in my family. I needed to tell people that I loved them. Maybe it was the fear of suffering so great a loss again and not having let that person know the depths of my feelings for them. Maybe it was needing to hear those words back. Probably it was a little of both. At first it felt awkward, to make myself so vulnerable, to ask for that vulnerability back, but it became easier, more natural, and now my parents and my younger brother exchange these words whenever we speak, whenever we say goodbye.
My middle brother and my older sister choose to show their love in other ways, and I accept and respect that, though I can’t say that at times I don’t long for them to put it into words.
When I had minor surgery earlier this year, I was touched so much by the cards, the emails and the texts I received from my family and friends, but there was something special that helped me keep it together when I kissed my sleeping girls goodbye that morning and we crept from the house.
The night before, my sister rang me. We chatted, we laughed and when we said goodbye, she told me she loved me.
I know it won’t become a habit for her, not because she doesn’t feel or mean it, but because it isn’t natural to her, but when she needed me to know, she made sure I did. On this occasion, once was ‘often enough’ for me, because I will hold it forever.
~Jo Beaufoix writes at Jo Beaufoix~
Interesting to think about. I think if you grow up in a family that says “those three words” all the time, it’s sometimes easy to take for granted what they mean, and it just becomes something you say when someone leaves for work etc. This is an interesting perspective, and neat to see how much it really can mean. I’ll think about it a little more when using it with my kids. (Actually their dad discourages them from saying it to the baby all the time, as in ever time he does something cute or is sad etc. because he thinks it should be a special phrase. Interesting.).
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Those are three powerful words. And this is a lovely, lovely post.
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Wonderful post, Jo, and something everyone can learn from .. life is short, there are all sorts of things that can happen and do that we dont expect. Never ever leave a loved one without saying I love you .. never end a phone call with a loved one without saying those 3 little words.
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I grew up in a similar environment and feel the same about the power of those 3 words. Well done!
What a sweet and wonderful post. My CB says it to me all the time and I don’t find that it falls off my tongue very easily either, but it’s a lovely feeling to have someone tell you how much you mean to them.
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Our family (when I was growing up) was also reticent to say those words, and now I say them ALL the time to those I love - there’s a wonderful book called something like “The Languages of Love” that talks about how each of us feel love in different ways and for some of us, words of affirmation ( like “I love you” ) are the best way for us to “feel” love. It’s an interesting read.
Fabulous post.
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I have an old BYU roomie who grew up with this same issue, and is was really one of the most loving people I have ever met. It must have been very frustrating to her spirit, even if she didn’t realize it at the time. Thanks for the good reminder about seizing those love-filled moments!
Kazzys last blog post..I’ll take one of each, please.
Oh wow….that is so beautiful Jo. My family has always been much the same way. Since getting married and finding a depth of love for my husband and children that I never imagined, I’ve been more effusive with my family. More hugs and “I love you’s”. Freaked them out a bit at first, I think, but now it’s coming more naturally. It’s neat to realize we can teach those who once taught us. Thanks for sharing this bit of loveliness!
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I love this story, especially because I had the same experience in my own family. And, I DO remember the awkwardness of saying “I love you” out loud at first. But, it did get easier, and aren’t we glad we made that “jump?” They are wonderful words that are “free” for the giving and receiving, but impart a wealth of feelngs, both in the giver and the receiver.
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I came from the exact opposite kind of experience. Those words are wonderful and this was a fabulous post.
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Lisa, I know what you mean, but we say it a lot in my house and we still mean it. I think maybe with my family, because they’re still a little shy about it, it holds that meaning because it is still a conscious thing. I say it to my own kids tons though and I love it. I know a time will come when they might not e able to or want to and that’s ok too, but for now it’s good and it works for us.
Jenn, thanks.
Daryl, that’s what I learned. But even if you can’t say it you can show it and that’s just as special.
Bonnie, thanks, it has been really good for us I think.
Lilacs definitely. I had a friend whose boyfriend never said it to her ever. In the end it broke them. It’s sad because I really think he did.
Thanks Jen, and that sounds like a great book. I will look it up.
Kazzy I was probably like your friend as a kid. I hope she got lots of ‘I love yous’.
Kim, I hadn’t thought of it like that hon, but you’re right. Its so cool they were open to something new. I hope I will be when my kids are older.
Sandra you put that so beautifully. Thanks.
Eowyn, thanks and my kids are getting the opposite. It’ s nice to see it worked so weel for you.
Jo Beaufoixs last blog post..Be afraid, be very afraid.
That is such a lovely post. I’ve been in this state for awhile now. I lost my dad recently and I will always regret that I never said it enough. I’m sure he knew, I tend to be more like your sister, but I really wish I had said it more. Thanks for sharing your story, it was beautiful.
I try to live every day with no regrets. The last words I ever said to my father-in-law before his sudden, unexpected death were, “I love you,” and I’m very grateful for that. Loved this post.
Half-Past Kissin’ Times last blog post..Weekly Winners, Week 6
So glad you said those words when you did. Even if it was only once. I’m actually amazed that you remember the first time you said them. Poignant moment. I’m more effusive than my mom was, and I hope that chain continues through my children to their children. But I also hope those words never lose their impact. Especially when it really matters.
Great Post.
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Jen, I’m sure your dad new. We know my sister loves us, and my other brother. They just show it in their own way and that’s fine.
Half-past kissin’ time, that is a really good way to live each day.
Charette, I hadn’t thought of that but it was. It just came out. My children and hubby and I spread the ‘I love yous’ on thick, but it still holds its meaning for us. I hope it always does.
Jen, I’m also sure your dad ‘knew’. I blame my keyboard and my kids sticky fingers.
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Gosh I’m emotional today.
This was a great post, Jo. Having the “wrong” last words with some people I really loved is what I think drives my need to say “I love you” to people. Sometimes, it almost feels like it loses its meaning when it’s “I’ll call you back.” “K, loveyou, bye.” But when I don’t say it, I almost want to call the person back. Maybe it’s even a little superstitious, too. But it’s important to me.
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