Growing inside of you is the child you never planned on, but that, when you took that test and discovered was on the way, you planned for.
I don’t know how exactly it went, but you called him or met him somewhere, and with tears in your eyes and fear in your heart you told him the news, then told him you thought the two of you should give it a try, for the sake of the life growing inside of you.
And then he said no, that he didn’t want the baby, didn’t want you, and then he left forever.
Oh how you must have struggled and wept, the kind of heart wrenching weeping that only a scared mother-to-be could ever experience. You had to decide what to do. Did you give up your place in school to try to raise the baby? Raise the baby and stay in school and try to find a way to pay for someone else to care for your child? Give the baby up for adoption? Oh the questions I’m sure ran through your head, and there was no right answer. Only more questions.
How would you tell your parents? What would you tell your parents? They had given you every luxury a girl could wish for, and now, you had to tell them you had disappointed them, that you had made the one mistake you were taught from the time you were a small child not to make.
The struggles must have been overwhelming.
Somehow, during your nine months of pondering and praying, you made the life-changing decision . . . the decision they don’t know how to thank you for.
They tried and tried to give each other a baby. They tried for five years. They suffered through the hormones and the invasive procedures . . . the joy of finding out their attempts had been successful, and the pain of having their hopes dashed less than two months later as the bleeding began again. Three tries. Who knows how many thousands of dollars, how many tears and how many prayers wasted. Or were they?
A month ago you found them. Out of how many thousands of couples, no one will ever know. You were drawn to them. Who knows what it was that caused you to say “These two. I want to know more about these two.” Yet you did. You asked questions, you spoke to them, you got to know them better . . . and this Monday, in a physically empty room filled with tension, anticipation and anxiety, you said “I choose you.”
In the next few weeks, you will go through the pain of childbirth, and you will bring your son into the world as millions of mothers have, but your experience will be different. You will hold that beautiful baby, count his precious toes and fingers, feel the soft spot on his head, sing to him softly and tell him how much you love him . . . but you will do all of this just once. And then, you will kiss him one last time, and you will give him away.
I cannot imagine the pain that will rip through your heart in that moment. What I can do, is tell you of the eternal joy that will be felt a few rooms down as a couple who could not give each other what they truly wanted, receive your gift. Their son Hayden.
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for choosing them. For giving my dear friends the joy of being parents. For being brave enough to give your son that wonderful couple to call his Mom and Dad. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
~Kateastrophe blogs at Walking Kateastrophe~
